a reflection on 5 years living in freedom
It has been 5 years since I had that life-changing conversation with my friend and decided to live in freedom, or at least getting closer to it. There are lots of things happens, lots of stories made and lots of lesson I could learn from. So on this 5-years milestone, I want to reflect and share what has happen and what I’ve learn from those. Let’s start!
It has been 5 years since I had that life-changing conversation with my friend and decided to live in freedom, or at least getting closer to it. There are lots of things happens, lots of stories made and lots of lesson I could learn from. So on this 5-years milestone, I want to reflect and share what has happen and what I’ve learn from those. Let’s start!
About Wealth
When I first decided to live in freedom, my first focus was on building wealth. I went crazy with working 2 full-time jobs, several projects and my thesis (yes, all that before graduating). But I glad I did all that, because starting early build me the portfolio needed to pass through good company. Multi-tasking several different jobs also build me the right muscle to understand anything and work faster than average person, which gave me time advantage to do other things. I think time also on my side as I just went in the industry and reached the tipping point on the right time.
There was an era where I am being cheap on money. I want to save money as much as possible. At my college time, I went extreme even at some point I limit by spending by only 10K / day. I remember that I buy one fried chicken and divide it by 2, for lunch and dinner. I turn down a lot of hangout invitation, buying cheap-low-quality things that does not last, because my focus is on saving a lot money. If I can turn back on time, I won’t repeat this behaviour. To be honest, my suffer didn’t save me that much money. Instead, I loss some potential happiness & lifetime memories.
That taught me that while saving money are important, how you spending money are more important. Investing in yourself are never wrong. I spend money to get courses on job interview as well and it pays immediately. I spend a lot of money buying courses to support my freelance project as well. If you have exceed money, buying experience are worth it. Money will always come back, but the time won’t. Just make sure that the experience are shared, because what remains of us are our stories. Focus spending your money on what makes you happy.
My next focus are converting my wealth to time. There are this three ingredients that are correlated to each other: knowledge, money and time. You can spend time and money to gain knowledge. Then, you can use your knowledge and time to gain money. The later stage should be converting your money and knowledge to time. I hope the more time I gain, the more free I could in the future :D
About Health
Health is the second barrier to freedom. That’s why, I put some time to maintain my health. I used to go to the gym twice a week, and in Bangkok, I went crazy with crossfit and half-marathon training 5 days-per-week. The very first lesson I learn is there are more to health than just exercise. There are three main pillars to health: exercise, diet and sleep. In my early time training crossfit, I feel sluggish. Turns out, I need to eat more calories :D. Sleep also plays a role in health as it could set your whole day mood. I remember I got cranky when I was traveling to Malaysia just because I sleep 1 hour less than usual to run.
Another lesson I learn is that maintaining health can be one source of happiness. Maintaining health can be source of obsession, as there are this progression you are looking for everyday. You suddenly want to experiment, want to progress and want to be better. This obsession is becoming a purpose in my life, the meaningful 3 hour in my life. Beside obsession, maintaining health also boost confidence as well. When I wake up in the morning and look at the mirror, there are this proud-feeling occur when seeing my body. This confidence was important as confidence is the best jewellery people could wear.
I am glad that I maintain my health because now I could do more that I could before. I remember hiking Mt. Merbabu with suffer, making a stop every 100m to take a breath. I went to Kazakhstan this year (2025) and I was proud with myself. I effortlessly go skiing on Monday, trekking to lake & canyon on Tuesday & Wednesday, trailing to a hill in Thursday and hiking at 3600 mdpl freezing mountain on Friday, while having less sleep (avg 4-5 hours) and less food (there is one day i just forget to eat because I was busy trailing). I was training so I can enjoy walking in nature more, and it pays off. This progress actually made me happy already, but I am training so I could do this on my forty, fifty or even seventy, and I hope it pays off also then.
About Relationship
My initial approach to relationship was relationship is two-way connection. If I spent time honing myself to perfection, pretty sure good connection with good people will occur. In my early days, I spent time working on myself. I fix my appearance, social and communication skills. It takes me a while to found my current hairstyle. I write blog to refine my thought process so I could articulate myself better. I start dating so I could be better social-companion.
But as relationship is not my expertise, I overthink a lot. I became people pleaser. I tend to prioritize others before myself, which led to trouble for myself. My well-planned schedule could became messy just because someone suddenly want to join. Also, no matter how good I am, I still overanalyze things. Why he/she did that? Why he/she didn’t do that? Did I do something wrong? I create a form (you can still see it in the navbar) to evaluate myself once in a while. I was trying hard to be this perfect guy whom everyone likes.
But, I realize that I just can’t please everyone. There will always be person that just don’t click with you. They sometimes did something that does not please you, and it’s important to realize that it’s not because of you. They are just humans, and human are just imperfect. They might have other problems unrelated to you, or they just not act you wanted them to be. They just did whatever they think was good, with their own imperfect judgement. Allow them to be imperfect human. People will came and go, just enjoy their companion while it last.
Realizing people are not perfect make me realize that I am not perfect, too. I realize that I am not the center of the world, people don’t really think of me that much. I am not center of the world, people don’t see me everyday, judging my act and care what will I do. I am not the center of the world, mistake I made today don’t really impact others, victory I made today also do not have an impact to others. I need to allow myself to be not perfect.
Allowing myself to be not perfect is the real key to freedom I wanted. I spend a lot of time shaping a perfect image of myself, which truly hard to maintain and limiting me a lot. Now, I could just be honest and open. I used to hate looking stupid, so before learning with my friend, I learn by myself first so I could look smart. Now, I can just say I don’t understand this please help me. I used to be a yes-man, accepting any invitation to do anything because I fear I missed out. Now, I can just accept invitation that I truly wanted to do. I used to keep a private life, scared that people will judge my way. But now, I let it all open, letting my move known to the world.
Becaming open and vulnerable turns out presenting me more real-relation and more freedom. Turns out, imperfection makes people relate. Relationship works like a tuning fork. The more you express yourself, the more others people with same frequency vibrate. When I show that I can’t do things, suddenly there are more people want to help me. When I posted on instagram that I run slow, suddenly there are lot of runner giving me tips. When I was struggling in the gym, suddenly there are people teaching me the right movement. When I posted that I was travelling alone, suddenly people are starting to take interest. I just realize that what matters is not who you know, but who knows you. When people know your journey, suddenly there are lots of invincible hand direct you to the destination.
About Time
Time is cruel. I feel like time is just playing with me, making me working on this constant cycle of building and losing. When I was in high school, I was so happy with my routine, my achievement, and my friends. After 2 years, time says: “stop, it time to let go”. So, we separated and move on to college. In college, I re-start building those happiness again. I join many organization, working from bottom until I was trusted to lead so many events. After 2 years, pandemic happen. It’s like time is trying to say to me: stop ayyub, let’s restart. After pandemic, I tried to rebuild again. I stopped all organization work, and rented boarding house near my friend so we could do crazy shit together. I was happy with all my friends and routine, until time permits. After 2 years, I graduated and moved to Jakarta, rebuilding my habit again. And again, time just unhappy with me being happy. After 2 years happily working, my team got disbanded and all my routine are changed as I moved to Thailand, restarting again from zero, without knowing anyone, without any clue what will happen.
Being in this constant loop make me realize that time only comes once. Time is not just how many hours you have, but time is about all circumstances with you on those era. Your friend, your wealth, your physique will be varies every time. This make me realize to make the best of everything we had on each era. I want to focus on making memories, before I was not able do it anymore. In my late college era, I realize I had friends and time, so I make a wishlist to explore all the things I wanted to do in Bandung. Before I moved to Thailand, I make a series of being tourist in Jakarta, because I don’t know how many times I will be back on this city. That’s also makes me travel on countries I might not able to visit again in the future. I went to vietnam, solo backpacking 10-days on 6 different cities. I went to uzbekistan and kazakhstan, traveling alone because I’m not sure if I was able to do it again.
As time is a constant loop of building and losing, I realized that nothing really matters as time will swept it away. In my early college years, I was deeply involved in organizations—so much so that I lost count of how many events or groups I led. Yet none of that portfolio was ever asked about in job interviews. I was also intensely busy building a game at my previous company—until I wasn’t. The team was disbanded, and suddenly, what I once believed mattered no longer did. That’s when I realized that if the things I thought mattered actually didn’t, then perhaps nothing truly does—because time will eventually sweep everything away. All my achievements, all my problems, ultimately fade. So that’s when I realize, I should stop cling onto something. When something makes me sad, I know time will eventually bring happiness again. And when something makes me happy, I don’t cling to it either, knowing that problems will come later and demand my attention.
This realization is somehow makes me free. When I realize nothings matter, suddenly I am not afraid of failure. If I tried and fail, then it’s okay because nothing is actually matter anyway. I could create something and fails and the world still run as usual. This allows me to run faster than before. I blindly tke project I don’t know how to do before so I allow myself to learn while working on it. I move to new countries I only saw on my phone before so I allow myself to adapt on the spot. I started thinking simpler: start working and doing anything I wanted to. Because even though we failed, is there any better way to live?
Being trapped in constant loop of building and losing also makes my perception about future shifted. First, in order to adjust in changing times, it’s important to hold on unchanging principles. I started to live simpler: doing only things that either giving me more happiness or more freedom. I started looking to build this small portable world I could hold on in changing times. Second, I started to think that everything is actually a loop. Everything is actually a loop, whether its a small 24 hour routine or something bigger like a hundred years of civilization cycle. There will be times where we are in our building period, and there will be times where we are in our losing period. It’s important to see on which stage we are in the cycle, and start anticipating what will happen on current times.
About Myself
In my five years of building freedom, oftentimes the only sabotager to our freedom is ourselves. We often overcomplicate things. In lot of opportunities, sometimes we need more preparation on our mental state to be ready to make a move. When I travel to Japan, I had everything ready. I had the money, I have the tour guide, I even can speak Japanese. but I still afraid until the day I went to the plane. Same things happen when I travel to Kazakhstan. I know I was ready: I had the money, I had the physique, I even had travel solo alone before. But still, I was afraid to make the move. I made lot of excuse: in winter it’s not that good, the schedule just don’t work, what if i don’t like it later. When I got the offer to move to Bangkok, I feel the same too. what if i can’t find friends, what if i don’t make it, what if xxx. But times always tell that, when I do I want, it always turns out well. That trip to Japan was unforgettable. My move to Bangkok turns out is a life-changer. My Kazakhstan trip is the once-in-a-lifetime trip I always chasing. Turns out, when we dare to do what we truly want, it’s a form of trust in our future selves. It’s always turns out well, just trust yourself.
Another sabotager I’ve identified in myself is the belief that I must first become “ready” before I’m allowed to begin. I used to believe I need to understand everything first before I could hands on. While this might be makes sense in our mind, in my experience turns out it’s not really the case. I remember my first job interview when I was applying to my first big company intern job. I wasn’t sleep for a week, learning everything from A-Z, which turns out the interview only ask me one fucking simple question and I got the job in less than 15 minutes interview. I was so scared being questioned by my lecturer in my thesis defence, but turns out my thesis defence ends in less than 25 minutes with only one-or-two basic questions. Over the course of my 4 years career, I saw many people don’t actually understand what they are doing, and they are doing just fine. Turns out, we don’t really need to understand everything to start. Just believe in your futureselves, everything will be fine.
Deciding to be free makes me realize that freedom is not marked by those big things you achieved, but rather this small habit you have. I always thought that being free means that I could go to switzerland whenever I wanted, hike Mt. everest with my barefeet and swim in gold coin pool. Turns out, being free means I could spend my Tuesday night playing board game. Being free means I could just go home when my friend got married. Being free means I could just spend my saturday doing long run in the park. Turns out, being free just means I surround myself with everything I loves everyday.
While surrounding myself with everything I love seems simple, working on it make me realize that it was actually a demanding routine. Highest form of freedom is achieved by high level of discipline. Cristiano ronaldo could choose his own coach in his team because he was so discipline in playing football. Beethoven was still able to compose a great music when he was deaf because of his discipline. Raditya Dika could make a stand up at will (and sold out in 2 minutes) because of his dilligence while he was young. I realize that the actual reward is not achieving, but becoming. When you become obsessed, and keep doing what you love, it became your identity.
Being free is also realizing that there are no rules in this life. Life is not about Rules, life is about action and reaction. You don’t have to go to be state-owned company employee to be success in life. You don’t have to do backpack every country to have a fullfilled life. You don’t have to keep your appearance good to ever get a girlfriend. You don’t have to marry before 30 to have a happily ever after life. My experience says that often the greatest story is when we don’t obey the rules. If the character in horror movie just simply follow the rules, the movie will be end in 5 minutes, right? Just remember that if you do an action, there will be a reaction.
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Although it was just 5 years, chasing freedom is a pleasant journey for myself. Turns out, chasing freedom isn’t about maxing everything so I can do anything, but about knowing what I want and having the discipline to keep doing it. Turns out, human satisfaction doesn’t come from reaching some achievement, but rather making progress towards a goal. Turns out, to became free, you just start and trust your futureselves, because even though we failed, is there any better way to live?
Udah sih gitu aja, bye!
